The Art of Argument

                                

                          The Art of Argument

         

    Let me just start off by saying that if you’re looking for an edge in your next debate team match, or you’re a middle-aged attorney who still lives with his parents because “the legal system is skewed”, you’ve come to the wrong place. This is arguing, not debate or any other method of controlled disagreement. Argument is fair game; a pub is your battlefield. Quick wit is your only ally, because not even your grandmother should want to be your friend during an argument. So, to all the stiffs that think, “We need to keep the peace, man” or, “Dude, chill out. It’s over something so stupid”: take a hike. You’re probably a communist anyway.

Chapter 1: Know Your Enemy
   
    There he is. Look at him; sitting in his chair all smug, sipping on his unsweetened ice tea while he fills out his third Sudoku of the day. Who does he think he is? Math is so lame; everyone and their mothers know that. You can’t stand the way he uses pencil for every subject. Or the way he raises his eyebrows if he’s temporarily stumped by an equation, just to relax them as he puts a smirk on his dumb, mathematical face when he’s achieved the answer. You’re not having this any longer. “Hey Taylor”, you whisper across the room, but to no avail. “Taylor…Taylor!” “WHAT?” he snaps back at you with an unwelcoming face. “Sudoku sucks!” He turns his focus back to his puzzle. Nothing.

*I Do Not Support Bullying*

        If something like this has ever happened to you, fear not. I know, I know, Taylor is a pompous spaz, but what are you going to do? Some people just don’t get it. The first step to an argument is understanding your opponent. Like any other art form, many hours of study and practice must be put in. Know your surroundings, your opponent, and your topic. Say Taylor responds with a, “Why?”, you better have an answer for why math is the devil’s work on earth. If you know that Brad’s favorite movie is My Dog Skip, don’t tell him that Michael Vick is a great role model. If Becca is a devout Jew, don’t try convincing her that your Thanksgiving turkey was kosher, because chances are it wasn’t. And if Mr. Davis is a nihilist, the last thing you want to argue about is the meaning of life. That’s just messed up.
    Studying your opponent is a key ingredient to winning an argument, and should not be overlooked. Know their tendencies, fallbacks, and go-to theories. Be ready to shoot down any of their ridiculous points, and know what they’ll say next before they do. If you can do this well, you’ll always have the upper hand.

Chapter 2: Engaging The Force
   
    Alright, now you’re in. The argument has begun. You and your frenemy, Joe, are going all out, while others are sitting back and enjoying the show. For starters, initiate the topic at hand with a sense of arrogance. Even if you know you won’t last two minutes in this argument, come out with fists swinging. State your argument, but more importantly state why Joe’s argument is invalid, and why his jump shot is embarrassing. Oh yeah, use words like “embarrassing” and “pathetic” to describe your opponents’ arguments. Trust me, the key to winning is being stern with your thoughts. Tell it like it is.

    Another key component of victory is body language. If you see yourself getting tense and defensive, you must find a way to get back on the attack. If your opponent wants you to “hear him out”, give him his time on the clock. While he’s talking, keep smirking pretentiously and shake your head in disgust. Try not to listen to a word he’s saying. Just keep thinking of more and more reasons for why you’re right. If he’s on his game today and managed to catch your attention with a valid point, try squinting your eyes and pointing the palm of your hand to the sky in a, “What are you saying?” manner. Then, turn around to the person behind you and say, “Get a hold of this guy! What an idiot!” He’ll second-guess ever making a legitimate counter-argument again.
    Right when you think you might be losing the argument, stay strong. Don’t be intimidated by their knowledge of the topic. Keep pushing for ways to make yourself sound smart and correct. If you happen to know a lot about the topic at hand, this should be ten times easier. By doing so, your opponent will know that you are no cakewalk, and this will lead to tiring him out. Be persistent! Don’t throw in the towel just because this clown knows everything about anything, just keep insulting him.
    For example, if he says something that may be interpreted as a reasonable logic, put his morale to rest with a, “Shut up, dude. Honestly, you’re ripping everything that I’m saying and twisting my words. You’re just taking everything I say out of context and trying to make yourself sound smart”. This will really put it into perspective for your opponent. If he takes the high route and admits his wrong, the battle has been won, but the war is far from over. Attack, attack, attack. Make him regret ever feeling guilty for being right. Keep piling on insults directly after that he will not be able to recover from. In between your profanity-laced insult brigade, throw in a relevant statement to the topic. This will cause him to reflect on the reason you’re arguing. While his philosophical mind is at work, pin him.
    However, if your opponent takes the low, inconsiderate route and responds with a, “Alright, man, or maybe I’m right and you’re wrong, and you can’t admit it”(Remember to squint your eyes right after he says this). You’ve won again! Congratulations, now your enemy is becoming a bigger jerk than you are! At this point, it’s a free-for-all. You can guilt trip him into apologizing for being so closed-minded about the entire thing, or you can fire back with a “How am I wrong?”
    Now your opponent is completely in the pits. He can either start from the beginning and go over the entire argument again with you, which in this case you will obviously defeat him if you get a second chance to clean up your mistakes, or he will fold. Throw his arms up in the air and say, “You win, you’re right, I’m wrong. Happy?” Wow, this is great, isn’t it? You’re completely frying this guy and he has absolutely no response. This is when it really gets interesting. You are left with several options at this point. You can shrug your shoulders and say, “Thanks man, I know I’m right, and I’m glad you’ve finally come to your senses”. Or, you can really drag this thing out for your own personal pleasure and possible positive reaction from any spectators. If you respond with a, “See, dude, this is why I can’t even argue with you. Whenever I make a good point, you just get pissed and give up. Shows how much you know”. Now, if this guy has any dignity he will absolutely get very angry. His character is being questioned by someone who just beat him in an argument, and that’s tough to cope with.

    Just keep on arguing if he gets mad; trust me on this one. If he walks away and gives up, nothing more can really be said. You’ve won, and you know it. He knows it. Everyone knows it. It doesn’t matter if you had class to go along with the victory, all that matters is you’re a winner. But wait! Don’t take you’re foot off the gas quite yet. Offer your opponent a tissue the next time you see him. When he asks why, tell him you still see tears on his face. Text your friend and let him know how mad your opponent got: “His face was so red, dude. So red.” or “Yeah, he just flipped out, bro. I barely said anything and he would keep getting angrier” will do just fine.
    Also, I cannot stress the importance of the last word. No matter if you’ve won or lost, or finished somewhere in between, get the last word. It lets your foe understand that you know you’re right, even if you’re not. Knowing you can’t be wrong at any time is half the battle.

Chapter 3: Deny ‘Till You Die

    Wow. You’ve got to be kidding me. You lost the argument? That’s embarrassing, and actually quite pathetic, but I’ll let it slide. Time to move on. How, you ask? Well, the first rule to losing an argument is “Deny ‘till you die.” People will undoubtedly hear about your failed encounter, because that’s just the way life works. Kiss-and-tell is in these days. Within the next ten minutes, someone will come up to you and let you know they heard what happened, and how you got smacked. You have way too much pride to take that, don’t you? Man up, and do what you do best: start another argument. Begin by with the squint to palm combo again, and ask, “What are you talking about?” Depending on your opponent (See: Chapter 1), the answer to that will be quite different. However, you control this one. You can either take the path of arguing about the argument ever taking place, or you can argue on why you were right and the person who came away on top is actually an idiot. If you can sway this person’s opinion, the war has been reestablished. This means you can start getting many people involved, but get to them first. If your opinion is the counter to what they heard five minutes earlier, you’re in a pretty deep hole. You may want to skip those people and head right for the fresh minds. Get them thinking, and let them know that your original opponent insulted their family during the argument.
    If you chose to pretend the argument never took place, you may be in for a tough time. But remember the two most important rules: “Deny ‘till you die” and “I’m never wrong, ever”. If you stick by these two simple rules, you will never be proven wrong. Everyone in the world could know that the argument really did take place, and you may be wrong or lost, but until you admit it, it all means nothing. Never let someone know that they were right and you were wrong, because once you do that, you really have little to live for. Don’t give up, and don’t surrender. If you had an off day, go home and read as many Wikipedia links as possible. Get new ideas in your head, start becoming a conspiracist and get right back into the action tomorrow.

Chapter 4: Keep On Keeping On

    Challenge yourself to new arguments every day. Take on a teacher once in a blue moon. Call Bill O'Reilly and disagree with every word he ever said. Convince an atheist to convert to any religion you want, maybe two in one day. Convince yourself you’re allowed to convert twice in one day, and then argue with radical gay and lesbian rights activists about it. Test the waters and you will not be denied. If your parent’s ask you to let your dog out, explain why dogs should be able to open doors and let themselves out by the year 2025, based on evolutionary traits. If they question you, become angry and ask them why they bother sending you to a private school if they won’t believe a word you’re going to say anyway. Tell them why their political party is “too leftwing” for your liking.
     If your friends want to go play basketball, explain how elementary the concept of the game is and why sitting inside reading Thoreau’s Walden is way more productive for the mind and body. If you want to go play basketball and they’re doing homework, let them know what pansies they are and question their manhood.
    Listen, the possibilities are truly endless. Arguments are honestly the easiest thing to start. All it takes is a little bit of arrogance and a whole lot of opinions. Everyone has opinions, so dive right in! Pick and choose your battles wisely, and you will not be disappointed. Don’t start arguments that can never truly be won. Actually, scratch that, those are the most exciting ones. Back and forth quarrel, all for nothing. It’s what makes the world go ‘round. What do you mean, orbit? Angular momentum? Gravity? Are you an idiot? What are you talking about? For a second back there I thought I was talking to a logical person, but apparently not. Yeah, I’ll take, uh, “Irrational Ideas” for 200, Alex.  Wow, honestly dude, you need to chill out. I disagreed with one thing you said and you’re getting all pissed off. Yeah, man, I get what you were saying about gravity and stuff but I’m not going to take those ideas seriously if you can’t pull it together for one freaking minute. Alright, fine, dude, forget it. See you at lunch… “Message To All Friends: Just embarrassed Danny in an argument about what makes the world go ‘round. Make fun of him at lunch!”




DBP Creative Writing 143-1, Mr. McLean 2011